I found this particular post in my saved Drafts. I had written in the fall of 2011, and saved it, clearly I must have intended to add or edit it prior to publishing it and then forgot all about it. In coming across it by accident today, I decided to go ahead and post it, as it was a subject that often I thought on and pondered as I viewed prison relationships from afar, and more personally, such as in my sons personal life.

PRISON RELATIONSHIPS

Towards the end of July a wonderful friend from San Diego spent her husbands last nite in Taft Prison at our house, with Rod and I. We sat around our dining room table, drinking wine and eating delicious butter chicken and naan, and talked long into the night. Well not "long into...", by 10, and it being a weeknight, and Susies need for an early departure the next morning, we all meandered sleepily off to bed. I sincerely doubt Susie got much sleep that night. Soon their lives will expand and not be overshadowed by the all consuming prison experience. I long for that time.

Susie and Ron had been awaiting and counting down the days to this most important date for the past year, and all but the last week, and especially last few days, had seemingly passed quickly "enough"...or so she would tell me on occasion. Her husbands sentence was short in comparison to our sons, but the stress and life changing journey was no less difficult.

I got to know Susie in the visitation room at Taft, seeing her there on a regular, every friday basis, when I'd be visiting Corey. In Susie's case another friend actually made our introduction,I believe it was late last summer, and we've been friends ever since. Its fairly easy to find and make a new friend with common ground and interests in the prison visitation rooms if one is inclined ...this group of reluctant participants, all of us on the same path leading to one destination...release, freedom, and "normalcy"...if such a thing exists after this. And in the meantime we are all there on the same mission, the determination to keep the family unit strong. Some succeed extremely well, others, especially those with the longest sentences to serve, do not always fare so well. I always find it so sad, and my own heart breaks a little, when after seeing a particular visitor on a regular basis, such as a wife or girlfriend, and witnessing the happy reunions, tinged with a certain desperation, "she" suddenly is not to be seen again. This last, and more times than not, inevitable loss to the inmate, caused by or for whatever reason, is the final and hardest adjustment the inmate will make. As many men will say, "dream time is over". This same statement is made when an inmates last and final court appeal has been exhausted. No surprise the two are analogous.

My sons relationship with his fiancee was one that didn't survive, having been engaged just a few weeks prior to his arrest. His fiancee was daunted by the length of the sentence, she was young, and the separation and fear of all those years alone more than she could, would be able to, handle. She tried, on and off over the years, but the "trying" was more painful than not, the roller coaster ride exhausting and excruciating for my son, as he would watch her come and go, come and go...never losing hope, but hardly daring to hope. Each time she'd leave the visiting room he'd be wondering if that would be the last he'd see of her. Eventually statistics won over, it ran its course to an inevitable conclusion.

I have witnessed other relationships that have not only survived, but thrived, however, in the prison environment. Yes, there are many success stories and they are heartwarming. If a couple can survive this, they can likely survive anything, weather any future storms. Early on I came to the understanding, the conclusion, that for that to happen both partners had to be fully engaged and committed to sharing the journey. Only in this way could they prevent the prison industry from driving them apart. Without this often unspoken, but understood end game, there would be little chance. Living alone and apart, building and balancing two lives in separate realities, as the years passed to release, was to be embraced, had to be preferable to being with anyone else. If it sounds "romantic" in any way, it is not. Its hard, its long drawn out longing, for the prisoner and those that wait for him.

I suppose what I also came to realize, upon witnessing the struggle and ultimate demise of my sons relationship, and that of others, was how 'easy' it seems everything must be in todays busy world, for relationships to succeed. I can't help but think back to the days our men went off to wars, were gone years and sometimes decades, yet would return to an intact family unit, the wives having kept the home fires burning, with ALL that entailed (!), and the relationship with their loved one still strong,loving and devoted. All they had to hang onto, through all the years of separation, was their love, their committment, their devoted efforts to keeping the relationship alive until they would hopefully be reunited, was their dedicated letter writing. Sometimes those letters could take months, years, to be received, if at all. I like to think that many, maybe even most, who were forced to endure these separations, were rewarded in the end, built a stronger, more loving relationship through the committment in part of putting pen to paper. Time consuming outpourings of ones love, the sharing of each others lives all put to paper, using only candle light and quill pens, or even parchment paper and carbon, depending on how far back you wish to look, to keep the relationship alive. Seems those days are as long gone as are travel by horse and buggy, in todays 'modern times' if it isnt fast and easy, if contact can't be sent and a response returned quickly, as in a tweet, a text message, or an email few seem inclined to invest in something that requires actual 'effort'. Forget the effort of manually putting pen to paper, buying a stamp and posting an actual letter (!) in the mail. How much SO much has changed, in just one generations time. What on earth awaits us as we are propelled at lightening speed into an even more modern future. What hope is there for long term relationships, for the family unit, in such a future world?